I Caught a Glimpse of Me Today! Revisited!

An excerpt from a poem I wrote years ago.
 
               …I wanted to take a picture of this moment
               For all my friends to see.
              So many who know me now did not know me then.
              I wanted them to meet the real me…
                                           I Caught a Glimpse of Me Today!
​                                                               Revisited!
                                        By Meshea Crysup, fibroLIFE© Founder
 

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I am not going to spend a long time on this post, because time—clear thinking, productive time—is a luxury I cannot afford to waste. I did feel, however, that I had to share this with all of my friends and followers, LIVING a fibroLIFE©.
 
This morning, we had a bit of crisis at the home we still own, four-hundred-plus-miles-away, in Paducah. No one was hurt, but still there was “business to be done”.
On top of that:
·        I had Coffee Klatch, which is my weekly meeting with “Partner-in-Time”, Morgan Gates, and Realtor Extraordinaire, Kim Steen, to discuss the status and plan steps of Rediscovering Historic Vicksburg©.
·        I am struggling horribly getting the formatting correct on Rediscovering Historic Vicksburg Book Series© first book, of course written by Morgan Gates.
·        I needed to get a new ad out for a part-time tour guide for Haunted Vicksburg Ghost Walk, opening for its seventh season this very weekend.
·        I needed to find out the times for Ash Wednesday Service at the various Catholic churches in town, then go pick up, Hubby and his colleague for the service, and take them back to work.
·        Plus, I had just the usual “every-day-LIVING” we all must do!
 
Those of you with FMS (Fibromyalgia) know that can be three month’s work, let alone a few hours in one morning! Today, however, I rose to the occasion--I caught a glimpse of me.
 
·        I made phone calls, managed multiple texts, found files and other older information needed, and was not inarticulate when discussing the damage and management of the situation in Paducah.
·        Coffee Klatch was “Click, click, click…” for me, mentally. No fog, in spite of the Paducah crisis going on.
·        I had an epiphany regarding the formatting issues with Morgan’s book.
·        Morgan and I whipped up the ad during out meeting—bam!
·        I called around—yes I used the phone, for talking, multiple times today—identified the best Mass to attend, rounded up Hubby, plus one, went to Mass, and got them both back to work.
·        I wrote, in my head, nearly in their entirety, at least three blog posts I want to do regarding my Catholic Lenten experience.
·        I wrote down the title to no less than five songs I heard that I really want to work out and actually perform in front of people!
·        I called my former, fibroLIFE© co-Director and Dear-Friend-Extraordinaire, Kathy Keeney to discuss the tree that blew down (That’s a whole other blog post.) and a possible visit soon.

Then, immediately after that phone call, I went to the end of the driveway to collect the garbage can after trash pick-up. I felt the wind in my hair and on my face—always a feeling that moves and inspires me—and I broke down in tears.
I cried, and cried, and cried…
I am still crying.
My mind is literally screaming, repeatedly, “I miss me!”
In spite of the tears, I am still not foggy, the pain is not overwhelming, and I am not yet too fatigued to continue, and continue, damn it, I will!
 
I got my computer back up after having it with me for Coffee Klatch, found the poem I wrote many years ago, and, in spite of all the things I still need to do, I whipped this out. (Yes, I LIVE with Fibromyalgia and TODAY I was able to say I say I “whipped something out!”)
 
WHY did I take the time to do so?
 
Some who read what I write about LIVING a fibroLIFE© think—and have told me in no-uncertain-terms—that I must not struggle as much as they do because I insist we all can, and must, choose to LIVE in spite of FMS. I wanted to share this very real moment, especially for them.
 
If I allowed myself to think thusly, I would see a stranger looking back at me in the mirror, a good deal of the time. I would give up. I would be defeated. I would not be doing my darnedest to remain “relevant” in the real world. I do not allow myself to think that way, however.
 
True, I am not this me nearly as often as I long to be. But always, I am me! There is no shame in being the “me” I usually am now. I refuse to stop LIVING. Even on the days I cannot do so at “Meshea-Speed”, I stay positive, I stay engaged, and, most importantly, I keep trying.
 
It is not easy. I love the days—the precious, few days—like today, when it is easy, but no one has an easy life.  We all have a LIFE struggle of some sort. Fibromyalgia, frankly, is but one of mine—but it is just that: mine. I am not unique. I have not been singled out, punished, etc. No matter how much it may seem so, during my many long hours of pain, fog, and fatigue, I do not have it worse than most of those around me. I have it differently than most, but not worse.
 
Yes, I am so very glad to be the more capable me at this moment, but I must choose to LIVE when she is drowned out by FMS.
 
…Reality set in and I knew in a day, hour, or moment
Fibromyalgia could again take it all away.
I prayed, “Dear God, help me remember.
Dear God, help me remember…”
I caught a glimpse of me today!
 
Yes, I want to remember, but I am through crying—this time.  Yes, I said it: this time. I mourn too—just like you—even after twenty-plus years of no longer being able to be that me. I really do understand the struggle of LIVING a fibroLIFE©. I am not super-human. I do not think I am better at this “LIVING a fibroLIFE©-thing” than any of you. In fact, I am probably not as strong as many of you are. That is why I know, beyond a shadow-of-a-doubt, you really can choose to LIVE your fibroLIFE© too.
 
It is time to stop crying—stop “missing me”. I am right here: Stubborn, obstinate, determined, and always, always, LIVING my fibroLIFE©.
 
 
Below is the poem, in its entirety. I wrote it over fifteen years ago. Some days, it still applies. Some days, I still grieve…but I move on…every time. Every. Single. Time.   ~Meshea Crysup
 
 
I Caught A Glimpse of Me Today
Though ever-present pain greeted me
When I opened my eyes,
My mind was not foggy.
I praised God as I realized…
I caught a glimpse of me today!
I could think clearly
And concentration did not make my head ache.
I could be my old creative self.
I was elated at the possibilities of what I might make…
I caught a glimpse of me today!
I felt like my former witty self;
Ideas flowed quickly as before.
I prayed that it would last.
I hungered for more…
I caught a glimpse of me today!
A song was on my lips,
Unable to remain in a heart so eager;
I sang out loud to God and myself.
No one else was around to hear, but it didn’t matter…
I caught a glimpse of me today!
The reflection in the mirror
Was not merely the shadow of a memory;
There she was, just like before.
She was real…
She. Was. Me.
Though my body was racked with pain
There was joy on my face.
At that moment I was secure,
Confident of God’s grace…
I caught a glimpse of me today!
I felt confident of my gifts and talents.
I was sure of my abilities.
I wanted to play and sing, write, teach, organize, lead, encourage, cook, sew…
The hardest part was choosing just one of these…
I caught a glimpse of me today!
Happiness flooded my soul
And brought the twinkle back to my eyes.
Optimism was again truth,
Pessimism again lies…
I caught a glimpse of me today!
I wanted to take a picture of this moment
For all my friends to see.
So many who know me now did not know me then.
I wanted them to meet the real me…
I caught a glimpse of me today!
Reality set in and I knew in a day, hour, or moment
Fibromyalgia could again take it all away.
I prayed, “Dear God, help me remember.
Dear God, help me remember…”
I caught a glimpse of me today!
 
Meshea Crysup
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