"Spontaneous Smiles" By Meshea Crysup, Founder fibroLIFE© & MesheaCrysup.com: LIVING a fibroLIFE© We are all aware—and probably guilty of taking—those silly “tests” on facebook. Every once in a while, however, they seem to “nail it”. In fact, one I took yesterday did just that! Those who know me, know this to be true about me. It is not an “act” I put on for fibroLIFE© or MesheaCrysup.com: LIVING a fibroLIFE©. I really am upbeat, perky, positive… I am the one laughing, making sure others laugh… That “morning person” that everyone hopes to avoid (Remember Donna? Remember Kris?), or perhaps, really hopes to find and have in their life (Like the guy at my fav coffee shop who always thanks me for bringing the whole place “UP” when I come in!)! The glass is always more than half-full. Someone always has it worse-off than I do. Something good comes from everything. There is always something to be happy about. And, of course, my favorite soapbox: HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE! All of that said, if you will recall, I recently wrote about how my no longer singing in public (or at all basically) was not really so much because of my Fibromyalgia (FMS) as I had told myself that it was. (Fibromyalgia Has Gotten a "Bad Rap" on this One") As I wrote, I was determined to and have been facing the truth about why I developed stage-freight and I started reclaiming that part of myself—my LIFE. I actually found some songs I wrote in 2004-05, and sent them to some friends to hear. Some of these friends have known me forever and were not surprised at the music—only that I was sharing it again, finally! More recent friends were shocked. They had no idea this had ever been a part of my LIFE, or if I had mentioned it, they had not really believed that I was “not half-bad” at one time. One of these more recent friends is someone I really only know from facebook. We are both members of a few of the same fb groups. I actually began talking to him because he lives in India and I am constantly seeking to understand other cultures and religious beliefs, in this case, Hinduism. (Fascinating, ANCIENT belief…!) Well, as per usual with FMS, I was up in the wee-hours this morning. I was trying to distract myself from the pain by doing some “mindless” (Meaning it was easy, not taking a lot of ability to focus.) promoting of Rediscovering Historic Vicksburg, as well as posting some inspiring and motivational Memes, along with “my two cents”, on my personal page and fibroLIFE©, and MesheaCrysup.com: LIVING a fibroLIFE©, when a fb message popped up instructing me to check my email. What I found there left me in tears—happy tears. But, typical girly-girl that I TOTALLY AM, I was also smiling. Not just any-old-smile: A Spontaneous Smile! My fb friend from India had put together a movie to go with one of my songs! He even mixed in pictures of my family, friends, and me…smiling! Ironically, he only knew that I had written the song. He asked who “the voice” was. I really smiled—and cried some more—when I told him it was all me. The voice, music, lyrics—all me. He replied, “Mmm…that’s why you’re so popular!” I simply replied, “I don’t know about that, lol!” I was thinking, however, “No, I am not popular—I just LIVE, laughing and smiling as much as possible.” I never give up and I LIVE that philosophy—my fibroLIFE©--openly for all the world to see. I try to LIVE as an example for all those with chronic pain, anxiety, depression—for all of those who are “Eeyore’s” and hide behind, “That’s just the way I am…”—for anyone and everyone who needs someone always a “bit-too-perky-to-be-real-but is” in their LIFE…” Believe me, that does NOT always make me popular, but I have found that those who are bothered by my approach to LIFE seem to need me—or someone like me—around the most. I told my fb friend I could not thank him enough and asked why he did such a thoughtful thing. He replied, “The future depends on what we do in the present? Ahaaaaa!” He was quoting something I had “mindlessly” posted, and in true-Meshea-fashion, had elaborated on, about two hours earlier. This is it: Yes, of course I cried—but happy tears—along with a Spontaneous Smile! Thank you Ribi NK! ~Meshea Crysup
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Fibromyalgia Has Gotten a “Bad Rap” on This One By Meshea Crysup, fibroLIFE© Founder …the possibility of “fogging” also has caused me to experience extreme stage fright, which, anyone who knows me can tell you, is NOT me. Recently, I have missed listening to and playing music, performing, learning new material, etc. I really do not like to learn new songs, or even practice old material, if I do not then perform them. However, having Fibromyalgia (FMS), it is hard, if not impossible, to commit to performances. Making things even more complicated is the fact that the possibility of “fogging” also has caused me to experience extreme stage fright, which, anyone who knows me can tell you, is NOT me. (Is it really just the fibro fog that has led to my fear? Sorry, I am getting ahead of myself…)
It just so happens I saw two of my doctors this week and the prescription was, (drumroll please) “You have to start playing music again for your own wellbeing.” Apparently playing, singing, performing, and writing since you were a very young child, then totally giving it up, is not mentally healthy. Something about, “…shutting down, discarding, and burying a huge part…” of who I am. (Of all people, you would think I would have figured this one out on my own! Maybe I knew…?) So, after seeing the docs, I actually dug up files of songs I wrote in 2004 and 2005, files of Alix—one of my former students and dearest friends—and I practicing and singing, and some other “old stuff”. I have been listening to them, sharing some of them with both new and old friends, and have even had my guitar out to play a bit. There have been some tears, I will not deny, but most of them happy ones. In fact, the entire experience has been a positive one, except for the whole “old computer files are difficult” part. Admittedly, I have not figured out how in the world I am going to perform in spite of—as a part of—LIVING a fibroLIFE©. I am sure I cannot do so on a regular basis. However, I am going to sing and play for people again. I am going to write again as well. My main take-away from this, however, has been a fact that I knew, but did not want to admit: Fibromyalgia—my fibroLIFE©--has gotten a “bad rap” on this one. While it is true that it makes embracing the singer/songwriter/musician part of myself difficult, the real reason I have totally suppressed that important part of myself really has nothing to do with FMS. It has just been easier to “blame” FMS than to face the real issue. It is time. Naturally, having discovered this truth in my own fibroLIFE©, I felt compelled to share it with all of you. LIVING a fibroLIFE© is remarkably hard. No doubt, FMS effects many aspects of LIFE so completely that we have to greatly modify how we LIVE. However, for your own wellbeing, take a bit and ask yourself: Is there something I am blaming Fibromyalgia for in my LIFE because it is easier than facing the real issue? An excerpt from a poem I wrote years ago. …I wanted to take a picture of this moment For all my friends to see. So many who know me now did not know me then. I wanted them to meet the real me… I Caught a Glimpse of Me Today! Revisited! By Meshea Crysup, fibroLIFE© Founder I am not going to spend a long time on this post, because time—clear thinking, productive time—is a luxury I cannot afford to waste. I did feel, however, that I had to share this with all of my friends and followers, LIVING a fibroLIFE©. This morning, we had a bit of crisis at the home we still own, four-hundred-plus-miles-away, in Paducah. No one was hurt, but still there was “business to be done”. On top of that: · I had Coffee Klatch, which is my weekly meeting with “Partner-in-Time”, Morgan Gates, and Realtor Extraordinaire, Kim Steen, to discuss the status and plan steps of Rediscovering Historic Vicksburg©. · I am struggling horribly getting the formatting correct on Rediscovering Historic Vicksburg Book Series© first book, of course written by Morgan Gates. · I needed to get a new ad out for a part-time tour guide for Haunted Vicksburg Ghost Walk, opening for its seventh season this very weekend. · I needed to find out the times for Ash Wednesday Service at the various Catholic churches in town, then go pick up, Hubby and his colleague for the service, and take them back to work. · Plus, I had just the usual “every-day-LIVING” we all must do! Those of you with FMS (Fibromyalgia) know that can be three month’s work, let alone a few hours in one morning! Today, however, I rose to the occasion--I caught a glimpse of me. · I made phone calls, managed multiple texts, found files and other older information needed, and was not inarticulate when discussing the damage and management of the situation in Paducah. · Coffee Klatch was “Click, click, click…” for me, mentally. No fog, in spite of the Paducah crisis going on. · I had an epiphany regarding the formatting issues with Morgan’s book. · Morgan and I whipped up the ad during out meeting—bam! · I called around—yes I used the phone, for talking, multiple times today—identified the best Mass to attend, rounded up Hubby, plus one, went to Mass, and got them both back to work. · I wrote, in my head, nearly in their entirety, at least three blog posts I want to do regarding my Catholic Lenten experience. · I wrote down the title to no less than five songs I heard that I really want to work out and actually perform in front of people! · I called my former, fibroLIFE© co-Director and Dear-Friend-Extraordinaire, Kathy Keeney to discuss the tree that blew down (That’s a whole other blog post.) and a possible visit soon. Then, immediately after that phone call, I went to the end of the driveway to collect the garbage can after trash pick-up. I felt the wind in my hair and on my face—always a feeling that moves and inspires me—and I broke down in tears. I cried, and cried, and cried… I am still crying. My mind is literally screaming, repeatedly, “I miss me!” In spite of the tears, I am still not foggy, the pain is not overwhelming, and I am not yet too fatigued to continue, and continue, damn it, I will! I got my computer back up after having it with me for Coffee Klatch, found the poem I wrote many years ago, and, in spite of all the things I still need to do, I whipped this out. (Yes, I LIVE with Fibromyalgia and TODAY I was able to say I say I “whipped something out!”) WHY did I take the time to do so? Some who read what I write about LIVING a fibroLIFE© think—and have told me in no-uncertain-terms—that I must not struggle as much as they do because I insist we all can, and must, choose to LIVE in spite of FMS. I wanted to share this very real moment, especially for them. If I allowed myself to think thusly, I would see a stranger looking back at me in the mirror, a good deal of the time. I would give up. I would be defeated. I would not be doing my darnedest to remain “relevant” in the real world. I do not allow myself to think that way, however. True, I am not this me nearly as often as I long to be. But always, I am me! There is no shame in being the “me” I usually am now. I refuse to stop LIVING. Even on the days I cannot do so at “Meshea-Speed”, I stay positive, I stay engaged, and, most importantly, I keep trying. It is not easy. I love the days—the precious, few days—like today, when it is easy, but no one has an easy life. We all have a LIFE struggle of some sort. Fibromyalgia, frankly, is but one of mine—but it is just that: mine. I am not unique. I have not been singled out, punished, etc. No matter how much it may seem so, during my many long hours of pain, fog, and fatigue, I do not have it worse than most of those around me. I have it differently than most, but not worse. Yes, I am so very glad to be the more capable me at this moment, but I must choose to LIVE when she is drowned out by FMS. …Reality set in and I knew in a day, hour, or moment Fibromyalgia could again take it all away. I prayed, “Dear God, help me remember. Dear God, help me remember…” I caught a glimpse of me today! Yes, I want to remember, but I am through crying—this time. Yes, I said it: this time. I mourn too—just like you—even after twenty-plus years of no longer being able to be that me. I really do understand the struggle of LIVING a fibroLIFE©. I am not super-human. I do not think I am better at this “LIVING a fibroLIFE©-thing” than any of you. In fact, I am probably not as strong as many of you are. That is why I know, beyond a shadow-of-a-doubt, you really can choose to LIVE your fibroLIFE© too. It is time to stop crying—stop “missing me”. I am right here: Stubborn, obstinate, determined, and always, always, LIVING my fibroLIFE©. Below is the poem, in its entirety. I wrote it over fifteen years ago. Some days, it still applies. Some days, I still grieve…but I move on…every time. Every. Single. Time. ~Meshea Crysup I Caught A Glimpse of Me Today Though ever-present pain greeted me When I opened my eyes, My mind was not foggy. I praised God as I realized… I caught a glimpse of me today! I could think clearly And concentration did not make my head ache. I could be my old creative self. I was elated at the possibilities of what I might make… I caught a glimpse of me today! I felt like my former witty self; Ideas flowed quickly as before. I prayed that it would last. I hungered for more… I caught a glimpse of me today! A song was on my lips, Unable to remain in a heart so eager; I sang out loud to God and myself. No one else was around to hear, but it didn’t matter… I caught a glimpse of me today! The reflection in the mirror Was not merely the shadow of a memory; There she was, just like before. She was real… She. Was. Me. Though my body was racked with pain There was joy on my face. At that moment I was secure, Confident of God’s grace… I caught a glimpse of me today! I felt confident of my gifts and talents. I was sure of my abilities. I wanted to play and sing, write, teach, organize, lead, encourage, cook, sew… The hardest part was choosing just one of these… I caught a glimpse of me today! Happiness flooded my soul And brought the twinkle back to my eyes. Optimism was again truth, Pessimism again lies… I caught a glimpse of me today! I wanted to take a picture of this moment For all my friends to see. So many who know me now did not know me then. I wanted them to meet the real me… I caught a glimpse of me today! Reality set in and I knew in a day, hour, or moment Fibromyalgia could again take it all away. I prayed, “Dear God, help me remember. Dear God, help me remember…” I caught a glimpse of me today! Meshea Crysup All Rights Reserved |
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