News Flash, Not: I Am a Mess
By Meshea Crysup, Founder fibroLIFE© & LIVING a fibroLIFE Blog© Recently I put a good bit of energy into helping someone who was truly struggling. I do not regret having done so. In fact, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I truly care about this person—it was the right thing for me to do. Now you all know how I operate: I am REAL with people, sharing openly and honestly about my own LIFE so others will see “they are not the only ones”. I handled this situation in exactly that manner. To my surprise--NOT, once this person was doing better, they felt the need to inform me that I am “a mess”. Ten years ago, this would have devastated me. Especially coming from someone I truly care about. Thankfully, I am past that point in my LIFE. In fact, I fully expected it and was amused by it. The “News Flash, NOT” was delivered electronically and I responded with a smiley face while assuring this person that I remained there for them, they were not alone, they had a friend, etc. and ended with another smiley face. But, I am very sure this person believes I am upset with them, and all the smiley faces in the world will not change that opinion. I am good with that too. WHY? A LIFE well-LIVED will have been a messy one. ~Meshea Crysup I really believe that. In fact, it is a quote from one of my blog posts. I had actually shared this post with the person I mentioned above. Obviously, it was not read! Had it been, the person would have known that their News Flash was a “News Flash-Not”. Furthermore, I am not only good with that, but I embrace it! It sums up my online presence in the Fibro-world for the past 20+ years! Being REAL about my struggles, not pretending to have all the answers, and LIVING in spite of that IS what MesheaCrysup.com, fibroLIFE©, and LIVING a fibroLIFE© are all about! If I expressed any frustration with this person at all in my response, it was that they seemingly totally missed that point. Will I ever hear from this person again? Probably. After all, I was kind in my response, and I even used some humor. (If you know me, that cannot be a surprise!) If I do not hear from them in the future, someone like me most likely will. Why do I think this? When that person’s life is messy again—and it will be—my guess is they will realize that one of the best places to get support is from those who are honest with themselves and open to sharing their struggles, as well as what has helped or has not helped with those struggles. I am very proud to have made a conscience decision to be one of those people. Am I mess? You bettcha! I have yet to meet a single person who is passionate about LIVING who, in one way or another, or several others, is not a mess. A LIFE well-LIVED will have been a messy one. ~Meshea Crysup Below you will find the post containing the quote above and links to other LIVING a fibroLIFE© posts that are similar in nature. The Balance of Reflection, Projection, and LIVING Meshea Crysup, MesheaCrysup.com, Founder fibroLIFE, & LIVING a fibroLIFE Blog© Whatever business you are in, every few years a “new” way of doing things comes out, makes the rounds, everyone hires the “experts”, goes to the training, and it fits into one of the following categories: Rehash or Nothing really new: Just a rehash of the last four you spent a fortune to attend. Radical: Essentially exactly the opposite of what you have been told in the past. Full-circle: Apparently “Radical” was wrong because now things have come full-circle, and what you were doing ten years ago turns out to have been right all along—with new terminology of course. It is a brilliant business model! People are truly getting rich off of re-hashing the same ideas, processes, techniques, etc. over and over and over…. Seriously! I have seen it in healthcare, fitness, dieting, education, manufacturing, governmental agencies, parenting, marriage counseling, self-improvement plans, church—it truly permeates every part of our society. Guess what: We all know it! I hear people talk about this all the time, yet, we, or our companies, bosses, leaders, etc. sign us all up, pay the fees and various related expenses, and we all attend. Those who have done it all before see it as a chance to get-away, and maybe they come back with a good idea or two to try—or not. But wait! Let us not forget the Newbies! First-time-moms, college-grads at their first job, middle-agers changing careers, retirees going to follow their passions, etc. These are the ones who are fresh-faced, wide-eyed, and eager to learn it all—age is irrelevant. It is new to them. They return to where-ever all fired up, ready to move mountains like no one before them, and they are going to do it all now—no time to waste! Extremes. We are a people of extremes. I know I am. (I watch others, talk to others, etc. I am not alone…) We all talk about wanting to be successful, drama-free, content, at peace, healthy—we all say we want to be HAPPY. Well, there you go! Everybody wants THIS! You guessed it! It is a booming business! Telling people new ways to FINALLY BE HAPPY. Same categories. “Rehashes”, “Radical Ideas”, “Full-circle”. The target audience is EVERYONE! Young people, old people, and middle-aged people looking for how to be young again or accept that they will never be young again. Some people attend just because everyone else is. They socialize, learn a thing or two they might try—or not. Others go out of desperation, hanging on the speaker’s every word, desperate to hear that ONE THING they are missing—to find that ONE THING they just cannot figure out. After all, if they have not been able to “find happiness” yet, there must be something they are missing—something they are doing wrong or just not doing at all. No. No. We spend a fortune on this stuff. We wallow in it. We agonize over it. We go from “Gung-ho/All-in” to “Zen” to “Gung-ho/All In” to Zen—again and again. We keep looking for this “magic” or “secret code”. They must exist! After all, we all know others who “have it all together” and are “happy”. So we can get there too—once we figure out what we are doing wrong or what is missing. No. No. Life. Is. Messy. LIVING. Is. Even. Messier. Existing is messy, but it is someone else’s mess or a “mess by default”. A LIFE well-LIVED will have been a messy one. That is why I am so REAL with my readers. My. Whole. Life. Has. Been. Messy. It still is and it will be until the end. LIFE is complicated folks, yet it is really very simple. We are born into “whatever”. We have no control over that. We have certain gifts and talents, certain faults and weaknesses—we do control what we do with those. Then we live, learn, do—or exist, letting life just “happen to us” not realizing that “not choosing” is a choice too. We get so caught up in “getting LIFE right”. We look at others and think they are “getting LIFE right”. There is no such beast as a “right LIFE”. I am not saying we cannot screw things up badly or that some people do not do awful things. Of course those things are true. You can live your life doing very bad things or in a bad way. Almost always this is the result of extreme choices. Unfortunately we are prone to those. Those not prone to them, they tend to be the ones who just “exist” (choose by not choosing, living by default) and let life “happen to them”, which is another form of extremism. Certainly some of us have chemical imbalances or other issues that need professional, medical intervention. If you are truly struggling—not “running right”—go in for “diagnostics and a tune-up”. Do not wait until you are broken down and stranded. Do not ignore your internal “check engine” light. What I am saying is, GO TO THE DOCTOR and if you NEED medication for a time—short or long—that is ok. You can have a car looking like it came off of the showroom floor but if you did not keep it serviced it might not be capable of taking you anywhere. You can do everything “right”, but if your body is not making the chemicals you need, you are not going to be consistent, stable, reliable, dependable, etc. You may well “yo-yo”, vacillating from everything being great to everything being in disarray. Extremes—without balance. So, if you need a doctor’s help, GO. If you do not know if you need to go, you have your answer: GO. Certainly some of us need therapy. Maybe all of us! Seek out a form of it that works for you, do it, then apply it. I have been “in therapy” now for going on twenty years! I do not go as often as I once did, but—and this is a great place to sneak this fact in—LIFE IS DYNAMIC, not static. It is always changing! I benefit from talking to someone “outside” of the situation, not emotionally attached or involved in it. If you need to talk to someone, figure some things out, or suspect you might benefit from it, GO! Medications and therapy, while often necessary, will NOT fix everything however. As I try to explain to those with Fibromyalgia, you cannot expect to LIVE pain free! NO ONE DOES! This applies to LIFE in general! No one has a PERFECT LIFE. No one is “getting it all right”. No one has some magic or secret! So, you want to be happy? We all do. It is not a destination. It is a mode of transportation. (I do not know if that is original or not, but I like it!) How do you start? Start by STOPPING (for a bit) right where you are. Reflection Take stock of what you have, what your LIFE is. Look back on how you got where you are. Learn from you mistakes, but do not dwell on them—it is over and done. LEARN but do not DWELL there. You cannot go forward DWELLING in what is behind you. It is easy to get lost in this—more on that later. Projection Look ahead and determine what it is you really want your LIFE to be. What do you want it to look like? What do you want in it or not in it? Do not limit yourself here—really be honest with yourself and, even if it is unrealistic, if you really WANT it, acknowledge that. (If you do not, it will haunt you, eat you, dog you…) Put this LIFE that you want on a piece of paper—write it out. (Some can just do mental images, others will go digital, but you get my meaning.) Now, what is it going to take to get there? What are you WILLING to actually DO to LIVE that LIFE? This is the hard part because: Most do not have unlimited resources. We can save more, maybe even make more, but whatever our situation is regarding resources, the LIFE we LIVE will be affected by this inevitably so it has to be considered objectively. None of us control the world or those around us. We will want things that are not within our sphere of influence. None of us can make the world exactly the way we want it. Nor can we make other people do, think, feel, etc. the way we want them to. To try is to manipulate—and that is simply not ok. (Communicate what you want, would like, etc. If you do NOT do this, you will always wonder, be haunted or dogged by it, etc. But also, be prepared to accept their decisions. It is THEIR choice so do not plan YOUR LIFE around a choice THEY do NOT want to make.) Determine what you are willing to do. WOW. Now this one is especially difficult because what YOU are willing to do will most likely affect others! While you are not responsible for their lives, you are responsible not to “mess people over”. As much as we would like to believe this is a black and white situation, I am afraid it is actually mostly shades of gray. Keep in mind, whatever YOU decide, it will not please someone. In the end, you have to do what is best for YOU. Sometimes that will perhaps be hurtful to others, but YOU are just not able to LIVE otherwise. Sometimes you may actually CHOOSE to NOT to do certain things, even though you want to. There is no formula to plug these factors into. Think it through. Weigh your pros and cons. Make a decision. Just do it. Learn from whatever the outcome is. All must accept REALITY. We do have to LIVE within the REALITIES of the results of our past choices. Yes, we can work to better ourselves, overcome things, etc. but some things are just “what they are”—and THAT IS REALITY. We all have made choices in our past that may well hinder or even prevent us from doing some things or achieving some things. You cannot change these facts so FACE THEM and ACCEPT THEM. LIVING Once you have evaluated what you want your LIFE to BECOME via the above filters, what is left is your LIFE PLAN: LIVE IT! That is it? That is my “magic”? My “secret code”? Yes, no, and no. It is not a secret or magic! But, yes, that is it: LIVE IT! Sounds simple? Too simple? Yes and no. The thought process behind it is SIMPLE. It is basic evaluation (Reflection), planning (Projection), and implementation (LIVING). You do not have to be a rocket scientist to figure this part out. We over-complicate things! We get lost in the past, spend all our time planning for the future, and fail to LIVE in the meantime! THEY KEY IS BALANCE. Reflection should not become your life’s work! You cannot change it. Learn from your past and move on. You may well not control what comes to mind, but you, and only you, can control what you LET stay on your mind. No, it is not simple or easy. It takes self-discipline, energy, and self-awareness. Projection—planning your future LIFE—should be a priority as far as your time, talents and treasures are concerned, HOWEVER the future should NOT get “all of you” or “all you have”. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. LIVE today. Enjoy NOW. LIVING: LIVE on purpose most of the time Talk about a dichotomy! Whether you live or LIVE, if you are alive, you are going to do one or the other! Wwwhhhaaattt? Whether you live (by default—not PURPOSEFULLY CHOOSING but EXISITNG) or whether you LIVE (PURPOSEFULLY—by “the plan” discussed above) you are going to be alive until you are not. I am going to surprise you here. You all know one of my favorite soapboxes is about CHOICE. Hold on to your hats! Sometimes just “letting LIFE happen” might just be the right thing to do! BALANCE! Do not push yourself so hard to LIVE PURPOSFULLY that you are actually “swimming upstream”. This, in part, goes back to facing reality, acknowledging that you do not control the world or others, etc. LIVE PURPOSFULLY but understand that, even then, sometimes the situation calls for “just letting it happen”—it really is all you can do. Arriving at “Happy” Disappointed? Expecting to have read this and have found the “magic” or “secret code”? I am truly sorry, but what you have found is far, far better. You have found an honest explanation of what we all are going through, even if we do not realize it and or acknowledge it. I am here to tell you folks, NO ONE has their act TOTALLY together! ALL OF US are going through this process ALL THE TIME. Some make it look easier than others. Some do it more gracefully, privately, etc. Some are bulls-in-china-shops. Most of us are a mixture of grace, privacy, and bull! But THAT is LIVING! Once you have done Reflection and Projection and get to the LIVING part, then you will be at HAPPY? No. Happy is not a destination, it is the MODE OF TRASPORTATION. This is the KEY truth that may matter more than anything else. Life is not static. It is dynamic. It is always changing, whether we want it to or not. It is a journey, and we are always traveling. If Happy were a place, then you could only experience it when you were physically right in that spot! Thankfully, it is NOT a place. Happy is the state of mind you choose to traverse the journey of LIFE. You create this state of mind over and over, constantly. Yes, it is a LOT of work! Yes, it takes a LOT of energy, determination, maturity, personal responsibility--yes, with those weighty traits being key, you are going to fall short some days! Happy is different for everyone! No one can tell you what your “Happy” looks like. It as uniquely individualized as you are! Although different, we can all recognize Happy when we see it! In fact, I am sure some of you know some people who seem to be Happy most of the time. These are probably the folks you think have some “magic” or “secret code”. They do not—they do have a process or checklist, of sorts, however. When negative thoughts START, they turn them around into something positive. We may not be able to control what we think, but we can control how long we dwell on it! (Sound familiar?) If it is a negative thought, focus on the flip side of it! That would be a positive! If the thought is actually irrelevant to your LIFE but still dogging you, REPLACE IT! DISTRACT! DISTRACT! DISTRACT! Get busy doing something! Purposefully focus your mind on something-anything-else! It can be difficult, but it is actually a “skill” you can develop. Practice it, often! Make it second-nature to you! Endorphins junkies! People constantly ask me what meds I am on or what I am drinking! Now, I know that could be a bad thing—but it is because I am almost always perky, upbeat, joking, “on”, etc. It is actually sort of a self-perpetuating situation. Our bodies produce Endorphins (“feel-good chemicals”) when we are laughing, enjoying something, exercising, eating certain foods, etc. The more endorphins you have, the more “positive energy” you have, thus you do more of the activity or activities which produced the endorphins, and thus you produce more… You get the picture! I milk this technique for all it is worth folks! Not only do I “do” things I know will up my endorphin production, but I also make sure “NOT to do” things that will inhibit them! If you know depression, anxiety, negative thoughts and feelings, etc. are an issue for you, DO NOT FEED THE BEASTS! I have had people call me in tears, so depressed—they had been watching Lifetime TV for three days! Really? I am serious. What you put in will come out! Do not make a habit of watching things that are sad or that will make you cry. Avoid subject matter that is negative to you, specifically. Do not go looking for more negativity to fight off! There Brady Bunch is Not Real Stop looking at other people’s lives and thinking they “have it all together”. We have covered this once, but one cannot cover it enough. Our society is gushing with propaganda of “the perfect life”. People see this. People think they should be like that. They are not, so they feel badly, think something is wrong with them, etc. Rich people have problems too! Skinny, pretty girls have problems too! The “Perfect Couple” really is not perfect… Do not let yourself think that others have it all together and you do not! That is a LIE! That is a negative thought pattern you must fight back, turn around, reverse, etc. We are all prone to this—we all must diligently fight this mental battle. Expect it! Recognize it! Correct it! Accept the Cyclic Nature of it All Folks, no one is “up” all the time. I do not care how perfect their life looks or how perky they are, everyone has times that they are “neutral” or even fall into a bit of negativity. Expect this! Recognize it! Correct it! The battle is never over. Whatever you conquer once, I assure you will circle back around, and you will face it again. This time, however, you will come at it stronger and beat it back further. Essentially, it is like fighting waves of attacking forces. You fight off the first ones, rest, then fight off the second, then rest, etc. Our minds do this with our “issues”. We attack them on the level we are capable of. When we are “ready”, they return. Expect this! Recognize it! Correct it! Not only do we have to re-fight some battles, but new ones will come—probably daily! People who “travel Happy” are mentally prepared for this reality. They know—literally know—they WILL have things go wrong, problems come up, heartbreaks, etc. This applies to all of us! Expect this! Recognize it! Do it! Summary To build the LIFE you want to LIVE: Go to the doctor, therapists, etc. as needed! Skipping this could be dangerous. Many treatable conditions exist and the information and options is improving daily. STOP the negative thoughts as soon as you recognize them. Replace them with POSTIVE thoughts. Ideally, thoughts on what you WANT your LIFE to look like. Balance your thoughts. Reflection should be to learn, not for dwelling. Projection should get more of your energies. LIVING TODAY MUST GET YOUR ENERGY TOO. Somedays it should get most, if not all, of our energies. After all, TODAY is the ONLY day we can be sure we have! Manage your Projections/Future Expectations Dream big! Then decide what you are willing to do to make that dream LIFE a reality. Consider resources, what you control and what you cannot, and remember that you do not get to decide for others and that your choices will impact others. Expect “shades of gray” as you balance what you want/need and be prepared to make some hard decisions…then LIVE with them. Most of the time it will be ok to mess up, to change courses, or to go back—but not always. Build the LIFE you planned out. Be focused but recognize that you will alter the plan many times. LIVE while you are building the LIFE you want. It is necessary to embrace, enjoy, and “be present” in NOW. NOW is all we can be sure of. Do not miss it by using all your energy looking ahead. Learn to—Choose to--MAKE Happy your mode of transportation on this journey that is YOUR LIFE. Do not forget to take/make your Endorphins! Pop those babies like candy! Learn the art of distraction! Make POSITIVE choices for how you spend your time. Do not go seeking negativity disguised as entertainment! (Junk in, junk out! Sad, negative energies breed even more sad and negative energies!) Accept that you will be involved in this process your whole life. EMBRACE it! Expect it! Recognize it! Correct it/Do it! THIS IS LIVING. Everyone does it…and it is BIG business! Am I against Seminars, Self-help talks, etc.? NO! I am always FOR learning! They are expensive and time consuming however. The same with buying books, audio books, etc. Certainly, you can glean useful information from most products like this. I just want you to go to them with realistic expectations! Life. Is. Messy. LIVING. Is. Even. Messier. Existing is messy, but it is someone else’s mess or a “mess by default”. A LIFE well-LIVED will have been a messy one. ~Meshea Crysup Suggested Reading: http://www.mesheacrysup.com/blog-living-a-fibrolife/act-the-way-you-feel-or-feel-the-way-you-act http://www.mesheacrysup.com/blog-living-a-fibrolife/you-cant-always-get-what-you-want http://www.mesheacrysup.com/blog-living-a-fibrolife/when-fibromyalgia-really-interferes-with-living
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