When the Optimistic Motivator Feels Pessimistic and Unmotivated

​When the Optimistic Motivator Feels Pessimistic and Unmotivated

As much as I love going on vacation with my husband, I am always anxious to return to my own little world. My Hubby and Cally to care for. My home to keep organized, clean, and comfy. My books and articles to read. My blog to write. My ideas to make tangible.

On top of all that--after all those things are not that big--I am going to finally get thin and stay thin. I am going to create the photo books I have collected pics for. I am going to get the clothing I have to give away organized neatly and placed in my car. I am going to file the seven months of bills that are in the very deep desk drawer. I may start sewing again--if my sewing machine miraculously started working again without being taken to the shop, which I meant to do. I may actually work out a song or two on my guitar from the list of songs I have been compiling from every road trip Hubby and I have taken in the last five years or so. Why, I might even sing them in front of people, somewhere, sometime…

Well, I am back from vacation. We got back three days ago in fact. Today, I am finally finishing up the laundry from our trip.

I need to go to the store, but I am very tired. It can wait; after all, it is just me and Cally the next few days and we can get by.

I really should start the re-write of my symptom tracker and coordinate it with my fibroBASICS©, volume one. My head hurts so badly though.

I really do need to read all the articles I have saved first anyway. My head is pounding though. I cannot hear the words as I say them silently in my mind.

Maybe if I read aloud? No, even my face hurts; my jaws, the muscles of my face, and even behind my eyes.

My arms hurt, my fingers hurt, my neck hurts, and my legs have decided to join the party. I am tired. I am always tired. I wake up tired. I sleep and sleep, but I am always tired.

Other than the last load of laundry, I have also run the dishwasher and made the bed. Now the tears. I am not going to accomplish anything of value today—again.

Wrong!

I will rest, get my shower, and make it to my book club. I have a little more than five hours to make that happen.

Laundry, bed made, dishwasher ran, and a shower plus book club! It is more than it sounds like, really! I never let people see me without my make up on and my hair done. Really, my accomplishments today will be more than they sound like…

Damn tears.
Damn pain, fog, fatigue…
Damn constant battle with depression.

Laundry, bed, dishes, shower, hair, make up, book club—a very busy, successful, rewarding day. Normal, but I am saving the big, “WOW” stuff for tomorrow, or maybe even the next day…or the next…

Depends on the pain, fog, and fatigue. They are beyond my control. I refuse to succumb to the depression that comes with them.

My value as a person is not contingent on what I can or cannot do.

I am a human “being” not a human “doing”.

Whew, that is good news because today, again, I think I am done “doing”.

Tomorrow will be better! Heck, I might even feel better and break into being a whirlwind this evening after book club! The day is not over yet!

The day is not over yet!
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​That is more like it...
​The day is not over yet...

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